Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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