Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just pee around me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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