life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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