Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
