Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
