i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
