I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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