My boss' voice literally gives me gas
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize