College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are two peas in an std pod
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
