dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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