I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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