If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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