They should really pass out barf bags in church
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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