you traded sex for a burrito?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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