Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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