I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
