Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
