I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
