I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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