That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
