I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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