remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
