A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
