I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
