Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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