Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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