saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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