I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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