What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
