so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
