Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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