I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
