i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
