I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize