I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
