the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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