I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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