They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
