I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
