You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
