True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
