and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
