I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
