my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
