I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
