I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize