Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
