You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
