I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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