Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
