She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
