Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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