what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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