Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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