the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
4 words: hood of his car
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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