I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
