My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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