remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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