his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
